Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
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I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”