I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Put a ring on it
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not