Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
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You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
That’s easy for you to say
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.