Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
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You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
LOOOOOOL
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot