it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.