me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
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“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 馃暢 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
yeah 馃槶
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he鈥檇 given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
馃幎 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 馃幎
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Left my phone in my 1yo鈥檚 room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo鈥檚 room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I鈥檓 sorry I鈥檓 still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
On a girl鈥檚 vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
There…fixed it 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.