The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
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one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.