“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
i think both sides are to blame here
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.