HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch