there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
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I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.