Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
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I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up