Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
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[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I’ve been drinking.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Great acting.. 😂
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.