After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over