stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”