Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
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I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
#MeanwhileinCanada
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas