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If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
the #horror is real!
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
lol
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe