Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Yup….perfect score!
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon