when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
You Might Also Like
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles