I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
You Might Also Like
The Joker was right
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races