I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf