My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
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My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
How does one answer this?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people