My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
This made me chuckle.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.