Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
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Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Me driving through Toronto
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
How it started How it’s going
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.