Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
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I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Delightful if true: booby trap.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?