Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing