me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
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I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.