Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
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And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.