Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
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I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
so i’m at the stock market right
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?