“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Vodka burrito was a success
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Bit chilly again tonight.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*