A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
You Might Also Like
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
🐕🍷
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
*weighs self after shaving
Good morning y’all ☀️
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either