“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
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I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
nature’s most graceful animal