if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
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Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.