I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?