me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
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Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing