I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
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If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
*jazz hands*
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.