me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
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*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT