#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Friday
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
smh
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Finally, an instrument I can play!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??