CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
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“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
No way!
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I feel it
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
🙄😏😂🤣
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.