Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Brands during Pride
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.