[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
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my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works