Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
You Might Also Like
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I need to get some bricks…
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I’m not wrong
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus