When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Twitter is an abusement park.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.