I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
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Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit