Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
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Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal