Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
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Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed