Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
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Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I can’t stop laughing at this
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident