SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
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I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF