waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
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Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”