I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Sunday
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase