I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
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She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.